All this conflict, all the time.
I wish I had never met you. I wish I could take it back.
I wish you’d leave my mind alone. I never want to forget you.
I want to believe I meant something more than a number.
I want to throw things and scream about how disposable you made me.
I want to just fade away into a new life.
I wake up loving my life and feeling okay. I wake up feeling nothing.
I never want to see you again. I want to believe in people.
I want to believe we all turn out good somehow.
I want to believe we find our way back to being good to each other.
I wake up thinking how evil we can be, how hurtful people can be.
I want to believe I can be happy and healthy.
I feel that happy and healthy means being alone for good.
I have friends and family, I feel alone.
I feel I have no one genuine and consistent.
There are always people there.
You loved me.
You didn’t love me.
I was a pretty picture you painted for yourself.
I was a picture that hung on your wall too long.
I’m so sad, so, so sad.
I will wake up tomorrow and fake it.
Faking it sounds so bad, but.
There is no other option.
I can’t lay in bed doing nothing.
If I do, the sleep and the sadness never end.
I just don’t believe in this stuff anymore.
Or, maybe I do. I’m a huge conflict. I can’t decide.
People talk about waking up every morning,
And, how each morning you can decide who you want to be,
Or, how your life can be whatever you want today.
It’s not true. He’s not coming back. She won’t respond.
Your job you hate is still going to be there,
You will still get in trouble or fired if you don’t show up.
I pour my heart into things in hopes it will work out.
Often, it does not. But. I continue to do so.
With that said, I can’t believe it is all bad, or,
That it will all continue to be bad. It just snags me.
Drags me down. Any moment. Doesn’t matter where I am,
Who I’m with, what I’m doing, where I’m going.
I want to believe in people.
I want to believe that people will blossom if I love them enough,
Or care for them enough, or support them enough.
Now, most days, I feel this is untrue.
I wish so desperately for. I don’t know what.
Do I want to be loved by someone like I love them?
Do I want a job that makes me wealthy, so I don’t have to love people?
Do I want to sleep and never leave my bed, avoid everything?
Do I want to go out and smile, and be social and happy?
Do I want to be drunk to forget everything and everyone?
Do I want to wake up feeling so angry and sad that I finally snap?
Do I even want to know what I want?